This is a post of two halves. If I’d written it yesterday, I’m not sure it would have been. Actually, I’m not sure I could have written it yesterday. Anyway, the usual, fun, yarny stuff is at the top. The more serious note is at the bottom.
It’s been a tough ten days, where I have mostly kept my head down and interacted with people as little as possible. While that’s been bad in all kinds of ways (see below!), it’s been good for the crochet!
I’ve got through my first skein of Britsock for the design I’m working on, and wow, I love this yarn. It’s silky and fluffy all at once, and is just a dream to work with. Deadlines have slipped, so I don’t know if I’ll get this out when I wanted to, but I’m going to try!
Last night, I was actually feeling up to picking up the Cardigan of Doom, and I was so glad I did. With an hour and a half to concentrate and work on it, I got about halfway up the second sleeve! Progress! Hopefully I’ll get it finished today, so that I can unpick and re-do the other one on Thursday and Friday, ready for Mum to try on at the weekend. We will get there!
One of the things I’ve fallen behind on this week is listening to books. I’ve got 4 on loan at the moment, but none have really grabbed me. I’ve tried a few, but none of the writing styles have really worked for me, and I find my attention drifting. So I’m going to give this one a go instead:
Her story was in Princesses Behaving Badly, which I read a few weeks ago, and while this is a fictional version, if the writing’s good, it’s exactly the sort of thing I like. I’ll report back!
Don’t forget to click the picture at the top of the post to see what everyone else is working on this week.
After making a couple of dozen attempts to write this post, I’m starting to understand why people keep their blogs as purely happy places, where they don’t talk about struggles or problems in any kind of detail. It’s almost impossible to hit the right tone where you don’t sound like you’re complaining, but you get across how tough the week has been. But I’m going to at least try, because this has been my week, and if it’s been your week too, it’s really important to hear that it’s not just you.
Since last Monday week everything has felt very bleak. I haven’t been able to do things with deadlines, some of which were very important to me. I haven’t been able to do the things I enjoy – Ravelry, podcasts, music, reading. Doing anything other than sleeping has just seemed beyond me. I’ve cried a lot, for no reason – a newspaper headline, a missed bus, being unable to decide what to have for lunch. When I’ve seen people, I’ve done a lot of talking. A lot. And tried to say nothing because my words haven’t felt under my control. I haven’t been able to wash my hair. I’ve eaten a lot of things. A lot. Not all of them good for me. It’s been hard to feel anything.
Last night, I managed to have a shower and wash my hair. I’m starting to feel things other than anger and anguish, and my sense of humour is coming back. Now I have to find the energy to face up to all the stuff I’ve missed. I’m trying not to tackle all of it at once, in case it sends me on another downward trend with the sheer weight of things I have failed to do. Baby steps and bare essentials. Everything else is a bonus.
I’m not putting this down for you to feel upset or sorry for me – I have a lot of support and prayer that holds me up when I’m like this, and I hang on, knowing I’ll come out the other side. I have my faith, which is sustaining and the only thing I know when I know nothing else. But the recent documentary The stranger on the bridge has had my colleagues discussing mental health issues for the first time, and with compassion. At the moment, when they say “it makes you wonder who else might be struggling and you don’t know it” I don’t say anything. I’m not up to that conversation yet. But if you are, and you have the chance, please take it. Having things in the open, de-stigmatised, is the first step for a lot of people to be able to say “but I feel like that. You mean I don’t have to?”
And if you’re stuck and wondering what to do, Mind have a lot of information in easily digestible form. It’s a UK charity, but the information is borderless and well worth checking out.